Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

I am a good driver

Sunday, February 10th, 2013

The woman doth protest much! I do think I am a good driver, I just think its a lot to pay attention to – like directions. I don’t really internalize the concepts of how it all works, not to mention the surroundings. So Paul would generally check in with me around the time I was leaving work to make sure he knew when to have dinner ready and all.

Then he found an app that let’s him see where I am. Well, it let’s him see where my phone is. I usually have it with me, but there have been a couple times I left it at home accidentally. This way we don’t have to have the same dumb conversation daily:

Paul: Where are you?

Me: In the car, I just left work.

Paul: What time do you think you’ll be home?

Me: 35 minutes…same amount of time it always takes. [Did I mention that I hate talking on the phone? Paul is not the chatty type either. We always joke that if it were not for text messaging we probably would not have gotten married. We really don't talk on the phone much at all.]

…Awkward silence…

I would always be mad because I felt like he was checking up on me. In reality he was trying to figure out when to start dinner. Or gauging whether or not I had a crappy day and would want to meet somewhere to go out to eat.

Paul: ok.

Me: ok.

Now, all he has to do is check “Find Friends” and he can see where I am. I don’t have to answer the same question every day, and Paul doesn’t have to ask it. Well, last week this is what he saw:

This is what Paul saw and then he sent me an email: Will you get back on the road?

This is what Paul saw and then he sent me an email:

Will you get back on the road?

Who?

Thursday, December 20th, 2012

My sister sent this to me the other day and I laughed so hard I think I wet my pants. Here is some background information:

Avery’s birthday is December 9, Elli’s birthday is May 2. Sydney is the cutest thing EVER. Here is the story:

We were talking about the order of birthdays. Sydney said Avery’s birthday is next and mine is after Avery’s. I said mine was the next one after Avery’s. Then I said really, Baby Jesus’ birthday is after Avery’s. Sydney said “Baby Cheez It?

IMG_0121

‘Nuff Said

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

I don’t really need to elaborate on this one, do I?

I want to be Alpaca clean!!!

Sunday, November 4th, 2012

There is a volunteer organization in the building where I work and they bring vendors in to sell stuff in the cafe and portions of proceeds go to various charities. This one popped up in email recently:

How great is that–Alpaca scrub! To be Alpaca clean! I want to be as clean as a barnyard animal!!

Helpful storage hints

Thursday, November 1st, 2012

It is SO nice when companies give you tips about storage. Take this bin for example. It is quite nice of them to tell us babies will NOT fit in this size bin. That way you can make sure you have the right size before you poke holes in it! You know they don’t let you return a bin once holes are poked in it.

You will never get a lid on this baby.

Week of September 2

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012

As of Labor Day I was 12 weeks behind on my Photo of the Day pages. I had pictures for most of the days, but no pages. Paul suggested I change it to a Photo of the Quarter project. I got caught up, but cannot post them here. Too much. I am learning to say no. Starting with you, Dear Reader.

You aren’t mad at me are you?

Let them eat cake!

Tuesday, September 11th, 2012

I made a lemonade cake that I found on Pinterest. Yes, I made a cake. While I made said cake, I was also doing laundry and running the dishwasher. Yes, I am a domestic diva. During said domestic bliss, I went out and saved Paul from the yellow jacket nest in the yard so he would not die. Yep, I am that good. Quite a catch.

Then I went to a planning meeting for the next race to cure cancer and came home to frost my fabulous Pinterest cake. That is where the crazy train started going off the rails. Here is the picture from Pinterest to see what it SHOULD be:

This is what mine looked like:

Paul is so sweet though. He said it tasted really good–so good it didn’t matter what it looked like.

This is why parenting makes women nutjobs

Sunday, September 9th, 2012

All marketers must be men.

“Your kids will love you if you just had a cleaner home!”

“Everyone is laughing but you, Susan”

Tuesday, May 29th, 2012

As you know, I cannot stand bathroom-related anything. Farting falls in this category. Because of this, the kids collapse into fits of giggles whenever anyone breaks wind (which for Anna is unnaturally often if you ask me). They, of course, love to poot on purpose too. I am surprised no one has soiled themselves making said attempts.

So one day we were driving home in the car and the kids were passing time by passing gas (when I was that age we read books in the car—who knew we only needed our butts) and laughing hysterically. They were slap happy crazy. You know that silliness that only happens at the bewitching hour when we should have been home 10 minutes ago, but are not so they lose their shit?

I was about to lose mine, which always makes Paul giggle. If you are keeping score at home this means that the entire car was cracking up at things that make me want to put on my sound cancelling headphones and pull the covers over my head. Then, in classic you-cannot-teach-this-comedic-timing, Anna decides it’s a good time to point out (incredulously, I might add. Perhaps she secretly though I’d gone deaf):

SUSAN, THE WHOLE CAR IS LAUGHING BUT YOU!

Ahhhh, from the mouth of babes. Needless to say, that did not help lube my funny bone.

My father in law is a ninja

Monday, May 14th, 2012

Roy at Becca's 3rd birthday party

He looks like a really sweet man, but watch out. Roy is a ninja.

There is no other explanation for his behavior. Let me paint a picture for you.

Family Christmas gathering. Picture it. We are crowded into the clubhouse at The Home (where the Tire Shanker lives), there are almost 30 of us if you count on paper. Which you have to because no one sits still long enough to be counted. Tyler usually gets counted 6 or 7 times. There are 9 kids under the age of 10, plus some tweens rolling their eyes in the corner.

But no Roy. Hmmmmm, how does he get out of the chaos that is getting kids to NOT touch Mt. Gift-a-lot? The next thing you know we are about to eat so we gather in a circle for grace and Roy is leading us.

WHAT?! Where did he come from? When did he slide in without kids screeching and launching themselves at him? Hmmmm. I’ll have to keep my eye on him to see when he disappears. Maybe I can hide in the back of his getaway car.

We have lunch. We break out dessert. Roy is accounted for. $5 gift exchange Roy even gets his gift stolen—maybe he is NOT a ninja. Who would steal from a ninja? Mt. Gift-a-lot melts down as gifts are torn into, exclaimed over and occasionally broken. Not necessarily in that order. Maybe I am the ninja. With the eagle eye I am keeping on Roy. He seems so normal. Maybe I am mistaken in my belief of his ninja-ocity.

Roy in his super-suit

Nope. The next thing I see is his little red car zipping down the road while the rest of us are knee deep in wrapping paper and toys while being spun around by little Chapmans hopped up on compliments of Mommom.

How does he DO that? Another clean get away without anyone noticing. I got my eye on you Ninja-Roy.

I’ve got my eye on you.